Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Munch Madness

March Madness is officially upon us. Now is time to start our endless research, pine over our blank brackets, and pencil in who we believe will be the final team standing for the title of NCAA Basketball Champion. There is no question March is an excellent month for the avid sports fan, but I believe it is about time we change the term “Bracketology” up a bit. Who does not love chocolate? If there is a person out there who claims to not crave a bite of product created from the seed of the tropical Theobroma Cacao tree every so often, let those liars be pointed out. Because of the world’s love for sugar, and mine of course, my March Madness brackets will be consisting of a winner-take-all tournament of the most sweet, succulent, and delightful chocolate candies. Let March, or rather Munch Madness begin!

While the NCAA tournament officially includes 64 basketball teams, mine for the sake of everyone’s sanity, will involved simply the elite eight. Eight of the most knee-buckling, mind-numbing, sugar-packed, chocolate bars on the market today will be pitted against each other in the official tournament to determine a candy bar king.

After the stressful event of seeding my top eight taste bud teasers, battle is set to begin. Round one faces off heavy weight favorite Snickers(1) up against the more original and well known, yet still delightful Hershey Bar(8). To the utter dismay of the faithful fans and founder late great Milton S. Hershey, the all time best seller Snickers easily dominates this matchup. Next we have another hyped contender, the Twix(2), battling the 3 Musketeers(7). Even being named after the famous novel and a number of well-received movies could not save this nougat, and the Twix simply overwhelmed the light and fluffy chocolateers. Who could deny a blend of rich caramel and crunchy cookie center? In this instance, I could not. Known by many countries in the past as the Raider, the Twix bar marches on.

Other news verifies the upsets of the Whatchamacallit(5) over Bart Simpson’s old fashioned Butterfinger(4). Also, the often described as “so good I’d rather eat it than spend it,” the 100 Grand Bar(6) squeaks a close victory over our baby, the Baby Ruth(3). Long live the Babe, but he was not meant to proceed on this day.

Heading into the semifinals, 100 Grand’s own strength became its undoing. Size does in fact matter as Snickers smothers the all bark and just not enough bite 100 Grand Bar. I love Grand, but to be named after an incredible amount of money, you had better be worth your weight in gold or rather, chocolate. Lastly, in another clash of chocolate powers, the Twix out lasts the dark horse Whatch. As much as I enjoy a chocolate dipped, peanut flavored crisp Who-sa-muh-wotsie, the caramel rich Twix stuck in my memory, and my teeth, much longer.

Ladies and gentleman, the time has finally come for the grand daddy of all main events. Come Hershey, come Nestle, come Cadbury and Mars. In this epic showdown of Goliath versus Goliath, caramel versus caramel, and best seller versus best seller, who will sugar rush their way to victory? In the left corner we have the official King. Made by Mars and selling over two billion dollars per year across the world, lift your cheers for your champion, and my afternoon snack the one and only Snickers Bar! Please, please save some energy. In the right corner we have the heavy (belly) hitter and fan favorite. Hailing from the United Kingdom, raise your voices as you “chew it over,” and welcome the Twix Bar!

Unfortunately there can only be one winner, and if I may draw from the immortal author J.R.R. Tolkien, “one [candy bar] to rule them all.” Wait a second, this is my tournament. I appreciate you all for gracing me with your time through the stand off of oh so sweet confection, but the results are in. Both Snickers and Twix will have their arms raised and be awarded the gold. Two champions might be unfathomable, perhaps I have ruined my dinner, and maybe this sugar rush followed by an inevitable crash will bring about a restless night’s sleep, but if the world of sports can continue to change their rules each and every year, I most certainly hold the right to declare two favorites. Oh Henry I may suffer the results later, but my two friends and I will be taking our leave on the Milky Way. Here, I bid you adieu with a quote from my co-candy champ Twix, “two for me, none for you.”

1 comment:

  1. Ha Ha! So funny, yet soooo true! My vote is on Hershey's anything though!